I’m trying to get caught up on oodles of responsibilities, but it seems like a never-ending battle. In the crossfire, this poor blog drops to the wayside. Two years ago, I posted every day. Now, I’m lucky to remember to post once a week. It’s funny how quickly life changes.
This post was originally published last month on the Indie Chicks Cafe website. It can be a space holder here while I gather together some blog posts and get my shit together.
I’m a believer in wisdom as you age. The crone years don’t frighten me as they do most women–I find a regal beauty in age lines and gray hair. I guess that comes from being a feminist who celebrates all ages of a woman’s life. The crone years bring wisdom and peace–two things that feel very far from who I am.
I just turned 27 years old on April 17th. Sometimes, I feel very young. I make a lot of mistakes, and I feel very stupid. My fiancé and I live like college kids — we run completely out of toilet paper and end up using paper towels (if we’re lucky enough to have them) for a week before finally hitting the grocery store. We’re so lazy we barely ever cook at home; it’s easier to just let someone with a notepad and pen take our order and feed us. Even though we own a home, we pay our bills, and I’m running my own freelance business, I sometimes feel completely irresponsible and inadequate.
During my teen years, my mom always pushed for me to be better: better grades, better at extracurriculars, better at everything. Fast-forward a few years, and in my early twenties, I wasn’t good enough at finances, I wasn’t good enough at responsibility. Don’t get me wrong–I love my mom. I am in so many ways my mother’s daughter. But, I think maybe I’ve gotten a bit of a complex because I constantly never felt good enough to live up to her expectations. Even now, almost thirty years old, and my mother can melt me into a puddle of 13-year-old with her eyes alone.
If I stop to take stock of what I have accomplished in my short life, I am honestly a little impressed:
- A month ALONE in Ireland
- An associate’s degree
- 6 published books
- My own LLC, CyberWitch Press
- Big girl job as a police dispatcher
No matter what, however, I look at that list and just see it as “not enough.” Why? Why can’t I picture myself as successfully responsible and grown?
I feel so inexperienced at this crazy thing called “being a grown up.” I usually just attribute such feelings of inadequacy to my age. What life lessons do I bring to the table? What wisdom could I possibly impart to someone?
When do you start to feel like an adult? Do you ever?
An endless list of questions. That’s what life is. Maybe one day, I’ll find answers.